Tonight, on my way home, I was realizing that the "joint" account that Bryan and I have to pay "together" bills went negative. As I looked further into it, it was our insurance for the cars. I called the insurance agent and changed my information yesterday - I thought would have changed the billing - but it didn't. No biggie. I tried to call Bryan, nothing. I got the voicemail. I sent him a text telling him how much to transfer into the joint account to cover the insurance bill and got short responses. He said he'd deposit his half ($78.50)....it's now 1.5 hours later - no deposits....yet....
As I got closer to home, I was texting Bryan and realized something...he wants "NOTHING" to do with me....as much as it hurts, I took two of my "I COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS PILLS" to deal with the anxiety that over-came me all of a sudden...I was fine all day without them until I started texting with Bryan. It dawned on me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me....which is too bad....I'm the best friend you can have...he obviously wants NOTHING to do with me....which is ok...I can handle that.....I have no problems deleteing him or anything. It's too bad though....
I've been in a couple counseling sessons now and he's telling me to put Bryan - not on the back burner...but not on the oven all together....that I really need to focus on ME and ME alone. It's hard for me as I built my world around Bryan - everything I did was for "US" and more over for HIM. I made sure the bills were paid, that there was food on the table (most of the time, he did cook a couple times)
After tonights converstaion, I realize that I truely am by myself. There is nobody that is going to comfort me the way I need but myself. I think that I might need to just take time for myself and not forget persay, but step away from the current friends that I do have that I might be starting to get attached to (already).....I don't want to lose them as friends certainly, but more over- I don't want to lead them on or whatever - I just want them to know that I do care for them and I just don't want anyone to get hurt,
On my way home tonight....I took two of my "I don't give a shit pills" that seem to have done the trick - when I walked in the door I took a couple big swigs of my Jaeger that was in the freezer... right now.....seeing straight....not so easy.
Right now...I'm a little drunk....and in a state of mind where I could give a fuck less about anything....SERIOUSLY....but I am done.
I wish I knew what more to say :(
Corey, I DO want you in my life as a friend...maybe in time we can be a couple again. I do feel that we should have a seperation period and if we need to talk, just do it via text.
ReplyDeleteWe have been together for 3 years and you know how much I dont like talking on the phone, its not that I dont want anything to do with you and you should know that. Also, you know my texting hbits...short, sweet and to the point. I do miss you and I do want the best for you. I honestly do. I love you more than anything which is why I say if we need to talk or when we talk it should be via text, I'm not so sure I can even handle my self talking on the phone with you. I do honestly want you in my life