So last night I was (if you read my prior post) a little drunk, passed out shortly after getting home until about 930. I woke up and watched tv for a little while. I figured I'd try not using the sleeping pill to see how that went to see if I could deal without it. Let's just say, it was not a very restful sleep. I woke up extremely tired this morning and felt like I couldn't get out of my own way. All the way down to work today I just kept yawning and yawning....despite the coffee I was drinking. I got into work....took one of my Lorazepam pills (ie. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT pills).... and shortly after got really dizzy....REALLY DIZZY....I think that is one of the listed side-effects, but it's never happened before!
I ended up leaving work early - driving home - probably not the best idea. Let's just thank the state for putting those "wake-up strips" along the sides of the highway....and thank god that there was NO TRAFFIC going north. UNBELIEVABLE! I should probably not have done that - but it's over with. I got home, fell asleep almost immediately for about 4 hours.
Tonight I think I'll stick with sleeping pill - I just hope everything works out - I can't continue with the feelings I've been having.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Last of Bryan Coorey
Tonight, on my way home, I was realizing that the "joint" account that Bryan and I have to pay "together" bills went negative. As I looked further into it, it was our insurance for the cars. I called the insurance agent and changed my information yesterday - I thought would have changed the billing - but it didn't. No biggie. I tried to call Bryan, nothing. I got the voicemail. I sent him a text telling him how much to transfer into the joint account to cover the insurance bill and got short responses. He said he'd deposit his half ($78.50)....it's now 1.5 hours later - no deposits....yet....
As I got closer to home, I was texting Bryan and realized something...he wants "NOTHING" to do with me....as much as it hurts, I took two of my "I COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS PILLS" to deal with the anxiety that over-came me all of a sudden...I was fine all day without them until I started texting with Bryan. It dawned on me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me....which is too bad....I'm the best friend you can have...he obviously wants NOTHING to do with me....which is ok...I can handle that.....I have no problems deleteing him or anything. It's too bad though....
I've been in a couple counseling sessons now and he's telling me to put Bryan - not on the back burner...but not on the oven all together....that I really need to focus on ME and ME alone. It's hard for me as I built my world around Bryan - everything I did was for "US" and more over for HIM. I made sure the bills were paid, that there was food on the table (most of the time, he did cook a couple times)
After tonights converstaion, I realize that I truely am by myself. There is nobody that is going to comfort me the way I need but myself. I think that I might need to just take time for myself and not forget persay, but step away from the current friends that I do have that I might be starting to get attached to (already).....I don't want to lose them as friends certainly, but more over- I don't want to lead them on or whatever - I just want them to know that I do care for them and I just don't want anyone to get hurt,
On my way home tonight....I took two of my "I don't give a shit pills" that seem to have done the trick - when I walked in the door I took a couple big swigs of my Jaeger that was in the freezer... right now.....seeing straight....not so easy.
Right now...I'm a little drunk....and in a state of mind where I could give a fuck less about anything....SERIOUSLY....but I am done.
I wish I knew what more to say :(
As I got closer to home, I was texting Bryan and realized something...he wants "NOTHING" to do with me....as much as it hurts, I took two of my "I COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS PILLS" to deal with the anxiety that over-came me all of a sudden...I was fine all day without them until I started texting with Bryan. It dawned on me that he really doesn't want anything to do with me....which is too bad....I'm the best friend you can have...he obviously wants NOTHING to do with me....which is ok...I can handle that.....I have no problems deleteing him or anything. It's too bad though....
I've been in a couple counseling sessons now and he's telling me to put Bryan - not on the back burner...but not on the oven all together....that I really need to focus on ME and ME alone. It's hard for me as I built my world around Bryan - everything I did was for "US" and more over for HIM. I made sure the bills were paid, that there was food on the table (most of the time, he did cook a couple times)
After tonights converstaion, I realize that I truely am by myself. There is nobody that is going to comfort me the way I need but myself. I think that I might need to just take time for myself and not forget persay, but step away from the current friends that I do have that I might be starting to get attached to (already).....I don't want to lose them as friends certainly, but more over- I don't want to lead them on or whatever - I just want them to know that I do care for them and I just don't want anyone to get hurt,
On my way home tonight....I took two of my "I don't give a shit pills" that seem to have done the trick - when I walked in the door I took a couple big swigs of my Jaeger that was in the freezer... right now.....seeing straight....not so easy.
Right now...I'm a little drunk....and in a state of mind where I could give a fuck less about anything....SERIOUSLY....but I am done.
I wish I knew what more to say :(
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Starting over
Today, I had my physciologist appointment ... talking with a shrink was interesting to say the least. It's hard for me to open up to people i don't know.
I find myself lost and confused most of the time and feeling like I dont belong. My parents were nice to let me come back home...i cannot help but to love them for all that they do and continue to do for me...i feel like i dont deserve the opportunity that they're helping me to get.
Its truely hard to feel anything other than worthless. I feel like a complete failure and i'm not sure where or what i am going to be able to do in order to get myself back together.
This past Saturday, i couldn't have been with two better people. We went through a corn maze which in itself was fun and exciting....it was nice to just get my mind off everything that is going on. I really cannot thank them enough for being with me...
My doctors are worried about me being alone. I am too. Although I cannot honestly say that anything "bad" will happen, I guess I cannot guaranty anything "won't" happen either. The feeling of being a torn piece of paper....not sure where or which way I'm bending.
Right now, I'm getting ready to go to dinner with a couple fag-hags....I love 'em.... Kim & Faith...great people...
I find myself lost and confused most of the time and feeling like I dont belong. My parents were nice to let me come back home...i cannot help but to love them for all that they do and continue to do for me...i feel like i dont deserve the opportunity that they're helping me to get.
Its truely hard to feel anything other than worthless. I feel like a complete failure and i'm not sure where or what i am going to be able to do in order to get myself back together.
This past Saturday, i couldn't have been with two better people. We went through a corn maze which in itself was fun and exciting....it was nice to just get my mind off everything that is going on. I really cannot thank them enough for being with me...
My doctors are worried about me being alone. I am too. Although I cannot honestly say that anything "bad" will happen, I guess I cannot guaranty anything "won't" happen either. The feeling of being a torn piece of paper....not sure where or which way I'm bending.
Right now, I'm getting ready to go to dinner with a couple fag-hags....I love 'em.... Kim & Faith...great people...
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